What “Parenting First” Should Look Like

I’ve heard a lot of buzz this week about this Similac ad.

In case you haven’t seen it, the ad caricatures our culture’s “mommy wars” by depicting parents making snide comments about others’ parenting choices at a playground.

“Oh look, the breast police have arrived,” says a bottle-feeding mom.

“One hundred percent breast-fed, straight from the source,” another mom says.

“Water birth…dolphin assisted,” a woman proudly volunteers.

The parents wind up getting so agitated over their differences that a physical fight almost breaks out— until a child is in danger and all of the parents race to try to rescue the child! As the cloying music crescendos, Similac reminds you: “no matter what our beliefs, we are parents first.”

Judging from the conversations I’ve had and observed on social media this week, it seems like most moms that I know relate to this ad.

Adoption gives you a different perspective.

Breastfeeding or formula feeding? I had no choice in how to feed my daughters, so it’s not an emotionally charged issue for me.

All natural childbirth, water birth, Bradley method, elective C-section? My birth plan was “show up at hospital, leave with baby,” so again, not really something I’m particularly invested in.

IMG_2744

How should you eat/drink during pregnancy? I sat down and ate with my daughters’ birth moms a few weeks before my daughters were born, and they washed down their lunch meat with soda.  My daughters are fine.  I’m not saying that the dietary recommendations for pregnancy have no merit, but honestly, I don’t have a strong emotional reaction to your decisions.  I’ve learned not to.

Working mom or SAHM? If you’ve put in the time and money to adopt, you may want nothing more to stay home and pour into that child you’ve been waiting for.  You may need to go back to work because you just spent a year’s salary making that child part of your family.  Or you may need to stay home because your child’s traumatic history means that it’s best for them that you stay home and focus on bonding and/or assimilating them to a new language. Whatever your choice, I’m sure that you have based your decision on what is best for your whole family, just as a biological parent should, so no judgment here.

Do you feed your child all-organic foods?  My daughters were placed with our family in part so that they could have ENOUGH food.  I can’t imagine the humility and sacrifice it took to make that decision.  My kids’ birthparents are seriously my heroes, and we’re theirs, because we’ve partnered to make sure that our children have the best life possible.  Feed your child whatever you want, and be thankful that you have the ability to feed them.

I hate this ad—not just because I can’t relate to it, but because it critiques the “mommy wars” without elevating the conversation.  Sure, it clearly tapped into a nerve and went viral, but what does it actually contribute? The strongest “call to action” is to “stop judging and feeling guilty (and hey, buy our formula!)”

To me, a more share-worthy message would be, “hey parents, y’all clearly have a lot of passion and energy, and care that kids’ needs are being met.  That’s great! Now let’s channel that energy towards issues THAT ACTUALLY MATTER, like ending food insecurity among kids in your community, giving homes to the 101,666 children in the foster care system in the U.S. who are eligible for adoption, mentoring at-risk youth alongside your own kids, or supporting organizations who are fighting sex trafficking of minors.”

As Kristen Howerton said, “all of these petty wars about the choices of capable, loving mothers is just a lot of white noise to me…let’s stop quibbling about what competent mothers are choosing for their kids, and step it up for the kids that don’t have one.”

Let’s debate the best ways to help others—not these relatively innocuous choices.  Let’s care about others in our community—not about how others feel about our parenting style.  Let’s stand with others in our community—not on our own positions.

We are parents first.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s