I am starting to feel a little bit better.
Praise be to God. Seriously.
I realize there are huge chunks of this story that have been missing for the casual reader. Like, I never told you guys that our case was still open for 3 weeks after the birth mom took the baby home because she wasn’t sure she had made the right decision. I never told you the back story behind why we were so worried and distraught when she brought the baby home with her. There’s a lot in this story that needs to be hers and ours only, and unfortunately that means no one else can ever fully understand the journey that David and I have been on for the last four months.
But I’ve tried to convey what I could. And you’ve tried to understand. And for that I am grateful.
I thought that today, I’d share the things I can share. The things that aren’t missing, the details that aren’t fragmented, the truths that are mine to share. And here’s what I came up with.
-Truth one: God doesn’t always do what we expect or want. But what He DOES do is work good out of all things. All things means all things.
-Truth two: It’s frustrating, sometimes agonizingly so, when we don’t know or see how He’s working good out of a situation. But faith means trusting Him to work good out of even the worst situations and releasing those situations into His care. That does not mean continuing to grasp and wonder and try to figure it out for ourselves. It means releasing. Letting go of. I now know even more deeply what it feels like to be Moses.
-Truth three: Everything I’ve learned in the last few months is now part of me forever. While I would have preferred NOT to learn some of it if it meant going through this pain, this growth can’t be taken away from me. This time, this frustration, this pain matters—if I allow it to matter.
-Truth four: The sweet little girl I care so much about isn’t mine. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t love her. That doesn’t mean I can’t pray for her. It does mean that I need to accept the situation, though. From now on, I am calling her by the name her mom gave her. Brianna.
-Truth five: This little girl’s story isn’t over yet. And our family story isn’t over yet. A song I found this week says, “You didn’t know…[but] a thousand things are happening in this one thing.” I don’t know what God is doing but I know He can and will do something from these stories.
-Truth six: So the best thing we can do is to share our story, to share what we are learning, to share where we are broken and where we are being fixed and most importantly who is fixing us. This is what David and I feel called to do in our respective ways. For him, this meant getting more personal with his sermon this week (prescheduled topic: loving your enemies…nice one, God) and sharing authentically about how hard this can be to do in real life by disclosing what we’ve been going through. For me, this meant encouraging him to share it before he asked me, because I knew he didn’t know how to ask me in my grief. It also means sharing here through my writing.
I can’t be stingy with our story. It’s not ours. It’s His.
-Truth seven: God is still showing His extravagant love and comfort in the midst of our pain. We found out on Friday afternoon that our agency has refunded 3/4 of our money. I had no expectation we would get any of it back and was genuinely so overwhelmed with joy that I didn’t know what to do. God was addressing my strongest-lingering regret and fear. Another adoption can happen now, when He is ready for it to happen and helps us be ready for it to happen.
I got up off the metaphorical floor this week. I’m not lying there anymore in pain, passively knowing God is there. I’m walking towards Him, and even though I can’t see where we’re going next, I know He will walk with me into the life He has for me–the life that isn’t exactly the same as before, and isn’t the future I pictured, but is still something beautiful.
-Truth eight: I am beginning to heal.