What Is True

Oh, y’all.

I am starting to feel a little bit better.

Praise be to God.  Seriously.

I realize there are huge chunks of this story that have been missing for the casual reader.  Like, I never told you guys that our case was still open for 3 weeks after the birth mom took the baby home because she wasn’t sure she had made the right decision.  I never told you the back story behind why we were so worried and distraught when she brought the baby home with her.  There’s a lot in this story that needs to be hers and ours only, and unfortunately that means no one else can ever fully understand the journey that David and I have been on for the last four months.

But I’ve tried to convey what I could.  And you’ve tried to understand.  And for that I am grateful.

I thought that today, I’d share the things I can share.  The things that aren’t missing, the details that aren’t fragmented, the truths that are mine to share.   And here’s what I came up with.

-Truth one: God doesn’t always do what we expect or want.  But what He DOES do is work good out of all things.  All things means all things.

-Truth two: It’s frustrating, sometimes agonizingly so, when we don’t know or see how He’s working good out of a situation.  But faith means trusting Him to work good out of even the worst situations and releasing those situations into His care.  That does not mean continuing to grasp and wonder and try to figure it out for ourselves.  It means releasing.  Letting go of.  I now know even more deeply what it feels like to be Moses.

-Truth three: Everything I’ve learned in the last few months is now part of me forever.  While I would have preferred NOT to learn some of it if it meant going through this pain, this growth can’t be taken away from me.  This time, this frustration, this pain matters—if I allow it to matter.

-Truth four: The sweet little girl I care so much about isn’t mine.  But that doesn’t mean that I can’t love her.  That doesn’t mean I can’t pray for her.  It does mean that I need to accept the situation, though.  From now on, I am calling her by the name her mom gave her.  Brianna.  

-Truth five: This little girl’s story isn’t over yet.  And our family story isn’t over yet.  A song I found this week says, “You didn’t know…[but] a thousand things are happening in this one thing.”  I don’t know what God is doing but I know He can and will do something from these stories.

-Truth six: So the best thing we can do is to share our story, to share what we are learning, to share where we are broken and where we are being fixed and most importantly who is fixing us.  This is what David and I feel called to do in our respective ways.  For him, this meant getting more personal with his sermon this week (prescheduled topic: loving your enemies…nice one, God) and sharing authentically about how hard this can be to do in real life by disclosing what we’ve been going through.  For me, this meant encouraging him to share it before he asked me, because I knew he didn’t know how to ask me in my grief.  It also means sharing here through my writing.

I can’t be stingy with our story.  It’s not ours.  It’s His.

-Truth seven: God is still showing His extravagant love and comfort in the midst of our pain.  We found out on Friday afternoon that our agency has refunded 3/4 of our money.  I had no expectation we would get any of it back and was genuinely so overwhelmed with joy that I didn’t know what to do.  God was addressing my strongest-lingering regret and fear.  Another adoption can happen now, when He is ready for it to happen and helps us be ready for it to happen.

I got up off the metaphorical floor this week.  I’m not lying there anymore in pain, passively knowing God is there.  I’m walking towards Him, and even though I can’t see where we’re going next, I know He will walk with me into the life He has for me–the life that isn’t exactly the same as before, and isn’t the future I pictured, but is still something beautiful.

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-Truth eight: I am beginning to heal.

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7 thoughts on “What Is True

  1. Sara, I want you to know that I am praying for you and David. I understand some of the feelings that you are going through. Many years ago before Daya even came to our family we had a little boy named Joshua in our family. He was three years old and his mom was unable to care for him. His grandma had been taking care of him and knew that she could no longer do it. Mom and Dad became his foster parents with the idea that we would adopt him. Three months later the mom changed her mind. She wanted him back. I came home from school one day and our little Joshua was gone. We never heard from him again. Was the pain almost unbearable? “Yes” To this day I can not think of that little boy without a sense of loss. However as I have read others stating God has a better plan. As you know after Joshua left God wasn’t finished with our family. First God gave us Daya. We would never have planned on adopting a child like Daya but God had other plans. Also during that time there was another mother who was having a baby. She wanted to raise him and I believe in her own way she loved him. She however was way too young and had many issues that made it impossible for her to take care of her little boy. This girl and I were friends and through God and God alone we were able to bring this little boy into our family. That is how Shane became part of our family. As I said earlier Joshua never left our hearts even though he left our family. I knew from that day that if I ever had a son his name would be Joshua. Thank you for sharing your story. Today you brought back painful and happy memories. It also brought me to pray for a man who is now grown and I don’t know but will forever be in my heart.

    • Jan…your story deeply moves me as I know about Shane and your Joshua but didn’t know about the original Joshua. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your heart with me. I love your entire family…you guys are such a witness and living example about what love looks like. You may never know how God used Joshua’s time with your family but you know that He DID because He doesn’t waste anything. And how cool to be able to continue to affect his life whether he knows it or not by praying for him. Thank you so much…

  2. Dear Sarah,
    I so appreciate your willingness to share your family’s story of faith, trust, letting go, pain, & the strong belief that God uses every experience for good. What an amazing testament to God working in your life and the lives of others. I will continue praying for you and your family as your story continues to unfold. God is full of surprises and solutions that we would never even think of. Sending love, prayers, and hugs to you and all of your family.
    Love,
    Marcia

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. It is also good for me to read this, because sometimes I am discouraged, because I can do so little after the operation compared to what I go do before. Thanks Sarah, love you Oma.

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