Today, I am sharing a journal entry I wrote one year ago. I wanted to commit my feelings and thoughts about that day to paper so that years later, I could read it to someone special. I share it with you today.
On October 22, everything in my life changed.
That morning, I felt God. I stepped outside with Java in the morning. It was dark and devastatingly beautiful outside. It was colder–but not freezing. It was clear and I could see the stars, which doesn’t happen every morning. I looked up and really just felt awe–God was there and He wanted to bless me.
I stood on the patio in my bare feet and my pajamas looking up at the tall oak trees and the stars and feeling the chill in the air and I thought: THANK YOU.
I came inside, wanting to share my blessing with a still-sleeping David or with friends. “His mercies are new every morning,” I would say or text, adding some commentary to share my special moment with those close to me.
But I decided instead to spend time with God, and I had a wonderful quiet time of prayer and Bible reading before heading off to get my flu shot and go to work.
Six hours later, the magical quality of my morning wasn’t matching my reality. I was feeling sick from the flu shot and was kind of considering going home (a rarity for me.) I met Heather for coffee from 1-2 hoping to perk myself up. I decided I had too much to do to go home, gave myself a pep talk, and came back to the office to work on a presentation. I almost didn’t answer my work phone when it rang.
But I did. And everything changed.
It was our adoption agency.
“You’ve been selected,” they said.
“Selected? For what? A survey?” I asked.
They laughed, then got serious. “No. A birthmom selected you.”
And in that moment, my life exploded with happiness and joy, stress and joy, anxiety and worry and joy…but JOY.
And that is how I feel now. Pure, simple JOY.
As Mary said, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my Spirit rejoices in God my Savior! For He has been mindful of the humble state of His servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed!”
THIS girl can relate!! I am not carrying the Lord or even “carrying” a baby–but I AM overjoyed. And I am grateful and humbled that the Lord has fulfilled the things He said He would do for me.
“Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord said to her will be accomplished!”
I didn’t know then where this would all lead. I didn’t know our baby would be a healthy and beautiful girl, with no signs of the possible developmental delays that I was preparing for. I didn’t know that I’d be leaving the job that I loved for a job I love just as much. I didn’t know just how much more I could love my husband or how deeply I could love another human being.
But I knew something was beginning.
I don’t have a story of the moment I realized that I was pregnant. I didn’t have a stick with a symbol on it, a heartbeat to listen to, or a belly that grew for 9 months that proved that something was happening. But I have that day in all its beautiful messiness.
And even more than that, I have the 6 weeks that followed it, when a friend began pumping one extra breastmilk bottle per day for my baby, when emails with subject lines like “Prayer Request” and “Exciting News from Sarah and David” were sent and joyfully received among our closest friends and family…
…when papers with scary and amazing truths were signed…
…when my sister spent her own money and time to fly out from California and help put a nursery together…
…when friends encouraged us to use their beach condo and spend one last Thanksgiving as a couple without kids (and even though I felt totally overwhelmed and stressed out and may have cried for half of our beach weekend, I am so grateful that we have the good memories!!)…
…when friends threw me a shower that made it feel like it was real…
…and when friends and family members texted, called, emailed, and met with me to encourage me and tell me how much they believed that this would happen, speaking truths over the lies and fears that this wouldn’t come to fruition, that this wouldn’t work out, that I would never take my baby home.
YOU were my “belly,” the two lines, the heartbeat—the reminders that this was real, that something was happening, that this was joyful, that this was something to celebrate instead of stress over. And I am so incredibly grateful for the support you have shown us over the last year.
And most of all, I am thankful for the God who showed me His presence that morning, the God who knew I needed a reminder of His love so that I could trust, the God who has shown me His presence every day since. He is the God who knew that day that Zoe would ours, who knows who she’ll turn out to be someday, and who holds every day of our lives in His hands.
This morning Zoe woke up around midnight. David fed her a bottle but she kept crying—she just wanted to be rocked. So I went in and sat there holding my baby girl who is now spilling off the chair and thought: another holy morning. Another October 22 starting with God’s presence. May it be so for you as well.
“For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.” -Romans 11:36