I promise that someday I’ll write a post about something besides motherhood…but it’s the newest and coolest thing in my life right now, and there’s a lot to process!
So confession time: although I’ve WANTED to be a mom for years, I have also been fearful about becoming a mom. I worried that I would be this nervous and anxious wreck, that I wouldn’t be able to please my child even though I tried really hard, that I’d struggle to cope with all the changes in my life and find myself acting cranky and resentful towards the people that I love. I was worried I would miss my old life and feel “trapped” into this irreversible decision. I was worried that I would try my hardest and do my best, but still find myself in a therapy room years from now hearing from my precious child how I had failed to give him what he needed.
As I sat with these fears, I realized that they were probably very normal and healthy. Being a parent is a HUGE responsibility–quite possibly the largest responsibility you can take on in life! If you don’t have fears about parenting, you probably don’t fully understand the weight and magnitude of the job description.
I really wanted to experience parenting and have the opportunity to mold and shape someone’s life in an intense way. I had hopes and goals for myself as a parent. I had a great partner. I felt called to parenting.
I decided to push past the fears and go for it.
Um, so…I love being a mom.
I haven’t been a nervous wreck at all.
I actually know what I’m doing, like, 98% of the time. And if I don’t know what to do, I just call my mom and ask her.
My child loves me. I can tell. There are times when she clearly wants me! It’s so exciting.
I am relaxed. I haven’t yelled at anyone yet. I have cried a few times (the first week, I cried almost every day) but not out of deep regret and anguish–out of fatigue. My cry sessions lasted all of 4 minutes and then they were over, replaced by a smile.
Typically, if I’m not anxious about something important, I get anxious and nervous about my lack of anguish (yes, I’m apparently a glutton for psychological punishment.) But I’m just enjoying parenthood, guilt- and anxiety-free.
I mean, people! I’ve been waking up 4 and 5 times a night. One week into motherhood, I broke my toe with the stroller, eliminating my ability to go to the gym (which is usually the best way for me to calm down and process any new things in my life.) In just one week, I went from running around town dressed up and feeling important to limping through my neighborhood in borrowed size 7 shoes (my normal size 5 is way too painful on my swollen toe,) bleary-eyed, pushing a stroller, and saying things like “hand me the cabbage” when I mean “the phone is ringing.”
I’m barely on a schedule. I have bottles to wash ALL. DAY. LONG. Someone wants me every 4 minutes, whether it’s my baby, dog, husband, the mailman, or the phone. We’ve had nonstop visitors. I don’t know what we’re having for dinner most nights.
AND I LIKE IT ALL.
That smile right there? One of my happiest and most genuine, like, EVER. This was on Christmas Eve. Zo and I were just bumming around the house alone, listening to Nat King Cole, waiting for our Christmas guests to arrive. Nothing “special,” but I was having the time of my life.
If there’s something you feel called to, intrigued by, excited by, passionately curious about—TRY IT! Humbly ask a community of people to pray for you as you embark upon it, and see how God blesses you.
And thank you to all those in our community whose prayers are making this such a peaceful and happy time for us. XOXO